The Towerlight, March 27, 1986

tl19860327-000 "� SIGA disaffliliates every student group The Seriously Incompetent Goverment Association disaffiliated 77 student groups Tuesday night because they missed a mandatory meeting. In Making the decision to disaffiliate every SIGA group, the SIGA Officers noted that the mandatory Meeting was scheduled well in advance and all groups had been notified. ""I can't believe they did this"", SIGA President Pool Walsh said, ""We scheduled the meeting late Monday night and put notes in everybody's mailboxes Tuesday morning. This leaves us no choice but to get rid of them ,Permanently."" Vice President Jose Hiccup threatened to commit suicide if the senate went through with the disaffiliation. Senator Froth ""Buckets made a motion that, ""the SIGA is a stickler for regulations so we should chuck the slobbering bums out,"" Bending Hiccup into a frenzy in hich he banged his gavel violently about his head. Treasurer Candy Cone wrestled Hiccup to the floor and proceeded to administer a figure-four leg lock. After Hiccup was taken away, he polyester faction of the Senate moved to make everything better (in two weeks), however, the vote failed and all groups remained disaffiliated. When asked what the SIGA Would do now, Walsh replied, Well, with all this money I Suess we'll have one hell of a Party!"" One of the disaffiliated groups, the Outer Fret council, is headed by Grand Do-Da Don Dimity ho said, ""I'm so upset I think I'll hold my breath till I turn blue!"" Towerblight editor Hairy Woolen said, ""What the hell. We've already gotten most of the SIGA money anyway. Besides we like parties."" Joe Blow FC goes on runken ampage The Outer F rat Council after its affiliation Tuesday night. ew a party to celebrate no ger having to work with the GA. The Baltimore County Police ested 200 fraternity members liter they went on a rampage 41roughout the Towson corn-tItinity. The drunken men started i!leir trail of destruction at the tIG house on the corner of Cross ,441pus Drive and York Road, :here the three story house was wrriolished so badly that all that eihained was the front door. The fraternity members next ,t4oved up Cross Campus Drive :here they pulled out fire hy- 'tents and carried off parked (11�8. All that remains of Tower A is few cinderblocks and piles of token glass. �i""We didn't think it was pos- �Ie to demolish a concrete build-just using bare hands, but I kess if you pump enough Bud-weiser into a group of boys ,ItIlost anything can happen, "" Tnniented Towson State Police `lief Tom Rooney. A ""I was just amazed at the 7struction these nice young men tl, I guess that boys will be t)oye,"" said Dean of Student egeneration Polyester. After the group finished with 1,1�Wer A they moved over to the 1,4iversity Onion. One member ,4e heard screaming, ""we're 1(),il1g to get that damn Tower- 5 ight and those wimp SIGAs Ce and for all. We'll show them 40 runs this campus!"" rtiOnce inside the Onion, the '11.1bers went straight to the illtGA office complex where they l ican tearing doors off hinges ttillt1 snapping desks in half over til eir knees. Luckily, staff 1,ernbers of the SIGA and the verblight had been warned and vaeuated from the building. 11t was shortly after the mob it the SIGA office that police e finatly able to catch up with gett, tk""All we had to do was follow tlge trail of urine and empty beer ki ng,"" officer Tom Cuffs re-eked. After holding the of- I's at bay for nearly 20 it:tites with the threat, ""one ktPcloser and we'll piss on your , tirt the SWAT team was ;Ible lu ele the group and Lund cui, all them. kWe wanted to make a state- :4to show the SIGA how mad �4re,"" said OFC Do-D.1 Don Idtin, as he let his breath out. ::Gee, I thought we were having We didn't hurt nobody or ktlin. like that, we was just Ving fun that's all. Gcod clean t'leriean fun,"" Tommy Jockitch, 411ber of TOKE said Clarke Kennedy campus snots The Inside Off to the hoosegow An interview with former administrator Parsley Plaster 9 Scientists head drug ring Cocaine scandal rocks chemistry department ...10. Finance department updates equipment Due to the University's poor audit rating last spring, the finance department will be undergoing some major changes and improvements. According to Sam M. Bezzlement, Towson State will update the current system with the latest in office equipment. ""We're really excited about our new counting system"", said Bezzlement, ""we'er abandoning our fingers in favor of this new gadget with numbered buttons that will do the adding and subtracting in seconds. It is really amazing."" Other improvements will be made to the finance office itself. Filing cabinets will be installed for improved organization of financial receipts and reports. Under the current system documents are sent by carrier pigeon to a small storage room outside the finance office. A new accounting system is also being planned. ""We have decided to go with some type of written documentation of transactions. The University has gotten too big to rely on employees' memories any more,"" explained Bezzlement. Although the decision has been made to devise a new accounting system, the plan has not been completed. ""There is a possibility that we may hire an accountant. It all depends on our budget, and we're not really sure how much money there really is,"" stated Bezzlement, ""hopefully we'll have the system in operation by 1990."" Cleopatra Cashier hours changing again The fines office has announced a reduction in its hours for its cashiers. The office will only be open between 12 p.m. and 12:17 p.m., starting tomorrow. The cashier supervisor, Filchin Thief, explained the hours were reduced because the staff are ""a bunch of obnoxious, surly creeps and besides, they take their naps at 12:18."" Corrections In last week's issue of The Towerblight, it was incorrectly reported in a fetishes article that SIT, a pro-nuclear student group, is ""an interesting and fun group of concerned students."" The sentence should have read ""these people are cretins. We don't like them and hope no more students join this asanine group."" The Towerblight regrets the error. In the March 13 issue of The Towerblight, it was reported that professor Sigmund Simple had lived in a wild, crazed commune of pig herders and had run a state wide drug ring during his sabattical last year. Actually, Simple studied ""The environmental hazards facing the drosophila in a college biology lab."" Personally, We liked our version much better. Nv. blight Published annually in a calculated attempt to offend everyone Jag Issue March 27, 1986 Hi mom! by Stop Bath Tina Tawson a mass confusion major displays the comfort and versatility of her new asbestos protection suit. ""I really like the new suits. They are actually quite comfortable and versatile."" The suits will be available to students for $200 during registration periods. University hopes new suit will combat asbestos threat faced by students and staff By Totally Obnoxious For an extra $200 next semester students have the option of pur-chasing a toxic waste suite design-ed to protect them from the as-bestos still remaining in buildings all over campus. The decision was made to offer the suits after University President Toke Schmidt embezzled $8 million from the University. Although most of that money was slated for the renovation of Peevens Hall, $300,000 of that money was to go towards asbestos removal. The suits were chosen as an economical way to protect students from asbestos, University Senate members said. ""We felt we had to do something, but what we did not know. The suits seemed to be the most logical conclusion to us,"" said Fred Farn-ham, Senate leader extraordinaire. The suits are expensive because they are made of reinforced rubber and fiberglass designed to with-stand daily exposure to asbestos. Also included with the suit is a face mask and breathing apparatus de-signed to allow for normal breath-ing while in an area polluted with asbestos. ""We wanted to make the suits as comfortable and normal as possible,"" said physics professor, E. Equals M.C. Squared, who designed the Suits and worked with Physical Plant to manufacture them. ""The suits will come in a variety of colors white, black, red, pink, and blue. Hopefully next year we will be able to expand into some of the pastel colors that are so popular. Also there is a winter model and a spring model of the suits. The winter model is lined with flannel so the student will not need to wear a coat over them. The spring model Stephens money embezzled-building to be torn down By Ura Hogg University Relations Director Pan Dalsh announced last week that Peevers Hall will be demolish-ed instead of renovated because the $8 million allocated to Towson State for the repairs has allegedly been embezzled by University President Toke Schmidt. ""I can't believe he did it,"" Dalsh said, ""He seemed like such an honest, person."" Schmidt, who allegedly fled to Rio de Janeiro, was unavailable for comment on the situation. The lack of funds leaves the University with no other choice but to slate the building for demolition. ""I wish there was something else we can do but I don't see that we have any choice,"" Dalsh said. Classes will be permantly re-assigned to unused rooms in the University Onion, Panboklen Hall, and the Lida Lee Small school. Since the Nobody's Business Department is re-organizing anyway, office and classroom space will not be needed since the depart-ment may fall apart, according to outgoing dean Double Talk. ""We really aren't going to need a building of our own anymore, especially since we can't get ac, recited,' 'I'alk said. ' ""The University should find something better to do with the land anyway, maybe a McDonalds or something. That could certainly help to make up for the losses that Schmidt left the college,"" Talk add-ed. Other University administrators were shocked by Schmidt's quick departure from the country. Provost Parsley Plaster said she was ""miffed"" by his actions. ""The least he could've done was take me with him to Brazil. I'm a lot of fun, and besides my tan needs work,"" Plaster said. Members of the University Club were also accused of being involved in the scandal. They allegedly helped Schmidt design a program to slowly embezzle the money so it looked like the University was go-ing into debt, not losing the money completely. ""We knew he could pull it off,"" Club chairman Senile Dupe said in a phone interview, ""We were hoping though, that he would give us some of the money so we can pay off our $110,000 debt to the state of Maryland. But our opening night party won't be the same without him. He was always good for a cou-ple laughs, especially if he had been drinking too many Shirley Temples."" Dupe said he plans to vacation in Brazil soon and he hopes to find Schmidt to talk about old times. But, according to vice president Sally Sonorous, if Schmidt is con-tacted by someone from the Univer-sity, his office is hoping it will lead to Schmidt's arrest. ""We've got the entire campus under surveilance, looking for clues to his where-abouts,"" Sonorous said. ""When we do find him, he will be arrested and sentenced to sitting in on three lectures per day in different departments and he will be served Blecho-mation food for three years three times a day. If that doesn't teach him a lesson, I don't know what will,"" Sonorous added. Somb students on campus were also amazed by Schmidt's actions. SIGA Treasurer Candy Cone was ""just aghast."" ""I just didn't know he had it in him. He seemed to be such a nice old guy, so sweet and innocent."" See PEEVENS, page 6 will have a cotton lining to absorb moisture and keep the student from itching,"" Squared said. The suits were developed partly out of guilt, Farnham said. ""We feel bad that the health of students and staff is in jeapordy everyday when they come to school. Here they are trying to better themselves, and in-stead they end up hurting their future. We felt that was a real shame,"" Farnham said. Student reaction to the suits was varied. ""I feel they are a good idea, but I ' think they are not cost-effective,"" said Barry Bornright, a freshman nobody's business major. ""They just are not going to look very good. I mean what kind of shoes am I supposed to get to match the ugly things? And besides they have absolutely no design or shape to them. How am I going to show off my tan?"" said Buffy Muff-ington, a senior mass confusion ma-jor. The students will be issued the suits during in-person registration. If a student cannot afford the $200 fee for the suits, one will be rented to them for $25, with the stipulation that the suits be checked regularly by Physical Plant personnel. ""We feel the suits are an excellent alternative to having to go out and find the thousands of dollars that removing the asbestos would re-quire, besides that would take time away from other pursuits of the Senate,"" Farnham said. Squared echoed Farnham senti-ments. ""These are a safe enough al-ternative and the suits really will not cost us much in the long run. In fact, we may even be able to turn a profit from them. On the other hand, we really don't care about the problem as much as people think we do,"" Squared said, ""someday we're all going to die anyway."" Tailgating policy gets tougher By Miss Scarlett New tailgating restrictions were introduced last wekend at the Towson State Circus University lacrosse game. University ad-ministrators decided last week that the present method of checking I.D.s and issuing bracelets to those 21 and older had not sufficiently curtailed underage drinking, and that a more stringent identification system was needed. The new rules, which call for Do-Good claims that the Univer-sity alcohol code is in fact, fairly liberal. 'At some colleges, they lop kids' heads off. Or they sell poisoned beer and only issue antidotes to those who can prove they are of legal drinking age."" At the lacrosse game last week, 260 underage students were brand-ed. Do-Good said it was a small crowd, but he felt that was due to the poor play of the lacrosse team, rather than the new regulations. Towson State's tough new tailgating The originators of the policy hope Maryland drinking laws, underage students to have ""UA"" branded on their forehead, was call-ed ""successful"" by Alcohol Obsess-ed Committee Chairperson Carrie Smashin'. Smashin' said that branding was a ""simpler way of dealing with those drunken punks,"" [underage student drinkers]. Some alumni and students visiting from Circus University were surprised at the new regula-tions, but they were generally sup-portive of the new measures, Smashin' said, policy went into effect last weekend, it will the University comply with The committee members agreed that the new regulations seem to have made the normally boisterous crowd quieter. ""Instead of a bunch of people laughing and talking, most are just lying on the ground groaning,"" Smashin' said. The administrators did concede that the branding was probably the reason most students were not eating much. ""I guess it's hard to eat when the See ""UA"", page 6 "