The Towerlight, April 4, 1985

tl19850404-000 "Water buffalo parties suspended Students seeking to drink beer, scale trees, and pass water out-side will apparently have to do it on-campus now. Members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalo de-cided earlier this week not to al-low students to do those things at their lodge. ""Fun is fun, but these kids were peeing all over the place. I mean, none of our members wear shoes, so it gets to be kind of a sticky mess, if you know what I mean,- explained Barney Rubble, president of the LOWB, whose Towson lodge had become in-creasingly popular with student groups seeking to drink beer, scale trees, and urinate outside. Rubble said the decision was precipitated by the ""rude behavior"" of members of the University's Padless Gladiators Club. ""They gave one of our members, Fred, a whole raft of stuff,"" Rubble said. Club members contended, however, that they were accosted by ""a loud, fat guy"" wearing a black and orange tiger-skin suit. ""He kept yellin""Yabba dabba doo' and threatening to sic this dog-sized lizard on us,"" said one PGC member. ""So, we peed on him."" The decision was received with joy by University administrators, who earlier this semester placed restrictions on lodge parties in an effort to encourage students to drink beer, scale trees, and urinate outside on campus. �Colonel Mustard Science building vanishes S'mess Hall, the Towson State science building, disappeared Tuesday morning for approx-imately 20 minutes. Campus police, dispatched to the scene at 9:59 a.m. confirmed that the building was indeed missing, but that no one missed it. The sudden disappearance, however, caused a number of students to be late for class. Greg Lebitowitz, a sophomore business major, described the event as ""annoying. I had a Biology for Non-Majors class there at 10 o'clock and the building didn't return until 10:15. I think the administration should tell us before the buildings disap-pear so we can plan accordingly."" University Monarch Toke Schmidt apologized for the inci-dent, terming the buildings disap-pearance ""impolite."" Police said the disappearance was apparently caused by Dr. Lorenzo Tylinol, a professor of physics, who was reported ex-perimenting with the expansion of Schwartzchild radii in black hole transformation. Schmidt said Tylinol would be slapped on the nose and denied tenure ""as soon as we find him."" He also assured students building disappearances would not become a ""regular event."" ""Sometimes these things are unavoidable,"" he warned, but ""in the future, we will announce inex-plicable disappearances at least one week in advance."" �p.E. Nongrata Joe Bob speaks here Syndicated columnist Joe Bob Briggs, v, r appears regularly in theroiletlight, addressed a sellout audience in the University Union's Susquebanana Room Sunday night as part of the ""Ethics in Journalism"" lecture series. ""What we got is a bunch of frog-faced sleazo Harvard lawyers crimpin' us purveyors of truth."" Briggs said. ""Come to think of it, I been through three pairs of jeans this week, I been so crimped."" Briggs's lecture focused on the importance of the Constitution to newspaper writers. ""The first amendment,"" he said, ""guarantees us journalists the right to lie in order to get at the truth. Course, the average non- Communist, drive-in-going American probly knows this. It's them yuppie types that screw things up."" Briggs spoke for seven minutes before leaping into the lap of a front-row female spectator. The two then left the room to wild ap-plause. The ""Ethics in Journalism"" series continues this Sunday with North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms debating CBS anchorman Dan Rather. �H.L. McMuffin and T.L. Bluffe naughty. bits TSU graffiti celebrated The University Union was honored this week by the Na-tional Collegiate Graffiti Watch-ers (NCGW) organization, which gives annual awards for in-teresting and obscene graffiti. The Union's second-floor men's room stalls placed first in the Overall Lavatory Etchings divi-sion, beating out competitors from Harvard, Stanford, and the University of Toledo. NCGW spokesman Cameron Unger was on campus last Tues-day to present a commemorative plaque to Monarch Toke Schmidt. The men's room op-posite the Seriously Incompetent Student Government Association and Toiletlight offices ranked high in both Pictorial and Literary categories, according to Unger. ""Really, all the University Union rest rooms�both men's and women's�feature high quality material,"" Unger said, ""but it's on the second floor that the award was won."" Unger made special mention of a ""Mr. Squirt"" cartoon, since removed, as being ""the thing that cinched it for them."" �T.L. Bluffe Inside Blowing Oats An interview with the pop duo Blowing Oats ... P. 6. Controversial view on genocide Joe Bob Briggs asks ""what's so bad about Nazism?"" p. 10. WURST administration begins term The Seriously Incompetent Government Association (SIGA) began a term for the WURST Monday. The Wretches United to Rule Students (WURST) ticket last week took control of the SIGA after narrowly defeating the Students United to Dupe Students (STUDS) in a combina-tion run-off election/steel cage tag team wrestling match. WURST ticket members�king-elect Pool Wash, ass't king-elect Jose Hickcock, and treasury czar-elect Candy Cone�will be formal-ly inducted into the SIGA today with a ritual circumcision open to the public on the University Union porch. Wash received 12 votes to 11 for STUDS candidate Don Dinkle in the run-off election. In the wrestle-off, however, Wash took a tag from Cone, then administered a ""pile-driver"" to Dinkle, effec-tively reducing the contender to a quivering mass of jelly and giv-ing Wash the victory with 8:07 gone in the match. ""I am the greatest,"" Wash whispered after the match, holding aloft the jewel-encrusted hernia belt awarded to the victor. ""Look at my face�I'm still pretty. Dinkle didn't even touch me,"" he boasted. Wash conceded that he received an assist from Shorn Hall, the top candidate on the Republicans United to Trample Students (RUTS) tickets, who was defeated in the first election. ""Shorn's boys kept all the liberal, atheist swine from voting, cause they woulda voted for Dinkle,"" Wash said. --Ed Whipple Naughty bits are continued on page 2. Th �dia 01+lob Published annually in a calculated attempt to offend everyone e Jag issue Babbittville, Md.21204 April 4, 1985 Cesspool Liberation Front leader Bhagwhan Machmud is shown here telephoning CLF demands to University officials after tak-ing over the SIGA offices. Behind him, brandishing an Uzi submachine gun, is CLF member Machmud Alvarez. A third terrorist, known only as Abdul, is seated at the desk. Militant terrorists take over SIGA, Union By P.E. Nongrata A band of heavily armed guerril-las took control of the University Union yesterday, as fighting be-tween campus police and the Cess-pool Liberation Front's Libyan-backed troops reached its fiercest point yet. Screaming ""Down with the Impe-rialist University swine,"" CLF guer-rillas broke though police lines and held the Union for nearly two hours before police could regain control of the strategic building. The Union is located on the site formerly occupied by the septic area of the ancient Towson Teacher's College. The site is considered holy by the CLF since it was from there that the prophet Machmud began his flight to the Back River Waste Water Treatment Plant to begin his ministry against infidel phosphates. The CLF set up headquarters in the Seriously Incompetent Govern-ment Association offices, herding the SIGA officers into a storage closet. They immediately issued de-mands to local radio station WTSR, insisting the Union be razed to the ground and the septic area that formerly occupied the site be reconsecrated. University police spokesperson Ted ""Blood and Tickets"" Johnson reported that he had notified Pol-lard's garage of the illegally parked tanks, half-tracks, and amphibious assault vehicles left by the invading Athlete charged with indecent exposure A former captain of the mens' tackle croquet squad last week filed a $50 billion suit against Towson State for allegedly ""fail-ing to coddle"" him following his arrest earlier this semester on charges of indecent exposure and reckless halitosis. Snedley R. Nostril, 22, a two-time tackle croquet All-America, charged in the suit that the University reneged on its pledge to attend to its star athletes when it failed to send someone to post bail for him following his ar-rest in the early morning hours on January 28. According to a deposition filed by Nostril's lawyers March 27 in the Circus Court of Bawlmer Counny, ""the defendants did knowingly and maliciously neglect to come to the aid of Mr. Nostril during his time of distress at or about 3:35 a.m. February 28 in the Bawlmer Counny Jail,"" thus failing in their pledge to coddle Mr. See NOSTRIL, page 2 Snedley R. Nostril Officials covered up sewage leak in dining hall By Bagman Addleberg University -officials last week ad-mitted that they knew since Sep-tember about, but did nothing to stem, the flow of waste matter from a damaged pipe in the kitchen of the Glen Dining Hall until they closed that facility temporarily in mid- February. The admission came following the release of a study conducted by the Baltimore County Sanitation Authority just prior to the Febru-ary closing which found ""signifi-cant amounts of hazardous ef-fluvium in the foodstuffs"" served to diners in that facility. ""Well, we knew about the little leaky-weaky when the pipe got busted ... September 2 ,"" said University spokesperson Honi Ben-dover. ""But we figured it was just a little boo-boo and nobody'd notice. We're real sorry. Really."" Servomation officials claimed they thought they had the leak under control and were ""surprised"" when they discovered it wasn't. Dining Hall manager Seymour Baccilli said the leak was caused when an unspecified ""retired farm animal"" was being prepared for a ""Welcome Back, Students"" dinner in early September. Baccilli said Servomation employees lost control of the animal, which caused $850 in damage to cooking units and a por-tion of the plumbing system. Baccilli said he thought Servoma-tion maintenance men had repaired all the damage, but added ""shucks, See WASTE, page 2 forces, and that they would all be towed within the hour. CLF head Bhagwhan Machmud Ortew appeared undaunted by these threats, however. ""The campus police have no authority over the area between Burdick MA and the Glen [complex]. That area is under traditional Cesspool jurisdiction, il-legally occupied by the University."" The Union fell to the rebels at 12:15 local time, when the defending forces were thinned by lunch breaks. Upon his return from a near- 6 by fast-food establishment, Su-preme Allied campus police Com-mander Sid Kremer was informed of the rebel attack and reportedly said ""D�Commies won't even let a man eat his Big Mac in peace!"" In related news, University Monarch Toke Schmidt admitted before the University Senate today that he ordered secret mass bomb-ings of the nearby Goucher and Loyola campuses. He alleged that the CLF was using these campuses as bases for their terrorist raids. SIGA doles out money to VAU By Colonel Mustard After nearly two hours of badger-ing and catcalls, members of the Verbal Abuse Union (VAU) success-fully cadged another $15,000 from the Seriously Incompetent Govern-ment Association (SIGA) at the SIGA meeting Tuesday. That makes a total of $125,000 the VAU has received from the SIGA this year, or nearly one-half the money the SIGA receives in stu-dent got to have this money, 'We've fees.eve you scumbags,"" Steam Meester, a VAU member, told the SIGA sena-tors. Behind him, other VAU mem-bers chimed in, shouting: ""Yo, fat-heads, cough up some dough"", and ""Hey, buffalo-fart breath, get your face outa the nacho trough and explained that the VAU listmeneetsoteurs""e.'x needed the money to maintain its top-ten ranking in the Nasty As-sault and Diatribe Association N need the money so we can (NADA). . get loaded in bars and make obscene calls long-distance to NADA head-quarters in Skokie, Illinois. They decide how rank we are,"" Meester said. Meester added ""No one else [but the SIGA] has been stupid enough to give us money."" He said the ad-ministration, whom he termed ""zits on the buttocks of the University,"" refused his requests for funding. Even after Meest,er's speech, however, some senators seemed to balk at the funding request. ""Could you, urn, explain why you need this money?"" asked Sr. Buffalo-Fart Breath, lifting his head from a tray of nacho chips. ""Yeah, I don't understand it either,"" agreed Sen. Fatheads. Fat-heads then introduced a motion to double the funding request, and call-ed for a recess on behalf of Buffalo- Fart Breath, so that he could re-plenish his supply of nachos. When only half the senators re-turned from the recess, a motion was put forth to convene the Sena-torial Search Committee. The mo-tion was dropped and the meeting resumed, however, when an em-ployee of the University Union can-dy counter produced letters of resig-nation smudged with nacho cheese from the missing senators. A motion to triple the funding re-quest was introduced, then dropped in favor of a motion to give the VAU all the money remaining in the SIGA coffers, which was substi-tuted with a motion to ""tell the VAU to go to h-ll,"" which was ap-proved, then amended to read ""to heck."" A motion was introduced that the ""SIGA congratulate itself for hav-ing the spine to deny a worthless or-ganization money"" which was also approved, then amended to include a clause granting the VAU the $15,000 it requested. In other business, the SIGA al-located $10,000 to itself for supple-mental nacho appropriations and to create the position of ""Nacho Steward ... insure that all Senators are well-stocked, and so that there is no need for frivolous recesses, ex-cept for potty breaks."" The Seriously Incompetent Government Association (SIGA) Senate reacts to the Verbal Abuse Union's funding request. "